The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*