If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
This why you should mind your business
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house