Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.