Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
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I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?