The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
No laws when master is gone
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.