A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
u spoke cat all this time??????
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Best seat on the street 😍
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way