DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”