Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.