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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
she has a point
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Not😆🤣
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.