Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Boating season is upon us.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.