Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Tell the colonel to bring it
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy