how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Single and childfree like Jesus
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
BaD BoY!!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.