Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
You Might Also Like
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
ok like just. call me at this point
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.