waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*