one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.