Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.