me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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Flock of bats
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
#ParentingFacts
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….