Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not