*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣