On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
me when the borders lift
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.