When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah