First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.