“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
You Might Also Like
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol