“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
finally
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?