If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*pronounces fake like saké*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.