Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
That eye roll….
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*