I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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