A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug