“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*praying for world peace*
God:
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.