CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.