My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
pelicons
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.