im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.