Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.