They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more