Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.