I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
😜
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail