I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?