The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Labreador
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out