The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.