How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140