ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE