ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
When your man makes a valid point
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
(Musicians.)