Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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