nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My blood type is coffee.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”