Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
one last job
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.