Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
🤣😈🤣
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.