Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂