Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part