When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If snakes were wide
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.