Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
girls literally only want one thing..
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Body by sandwich.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.